my blog
featuring random rablings that are too long else where
entries
2/6/2023
A belief I've held about myself as an individual for a long time. Right now I am me but eventually I'll have been every human on earth. I'll be great people, terrible people, and a lot of everyday ordinary people. One day I'll be you reading this screen.
I like to think that the being that experiences me is an alien or celestial being whose goal is to learn about humanity by being every person. This being is not limited by time, after all it experiences multiple singular existances during one moment of time. But it is limited by time while living as human. As a human I don't have access to my experiences as other people, but when I die the being will have all those memories before going back into a different person
the alien has no influence on humanity (how could it considring we only have our singular human memories), its only aim is to discover what it means to be human
Oh yeah im also neurodivergent. Surprise surprise. I have undiagnosed innattentive adhd (previously known as add). Ever since I was little I was prone to losing objects I used everyday, only to find them two weeks later sitting somewhere stupid but in plain sight. I caught onto patterns fast as a kid, evading struggles that would have alerted teachers until college where executive dysfunction kicked my ass. I was chornically bored, and while a know it all, also intune with humor in order to make friends, and extremeley sensitive. That RSD (rejectiive sensitive dysphooria) eroded my loud excited joking nature, leaving me quiet and socially anxious (that combined with being a weird kid who attracted bullying). I was and continue to be disorganized with hoarding tendancies. I find myself absorbed in tasks for hours, neglecting my physical need to eat and going to the bathroom, yet also unable to force myself to sit down and do basic responsibilities. My discovery lead to the diagnosis of my buddie and his mom, but not to me. My struggles were dismissed as anxiety (as if you cant have both adhd and anxiety).
Am I also autistic? I don't know. I have many friends who are and I heavily relate to the sensory sensitivities, but Adhd fits me much more. I am content to feel solidarity with autistic people, whether or not I am.
My gender and sexuality? Convoluted messes the both of them, in true tumblr fashion. The simplest I can condense my queer identiy down to is an aroace trans man, but thats not the full picture.
Gender first. Trans man? Transmasculine? Transexual? FtM? Nonbinary? Genderqueer? Agender? Sure. I don't really connect to men or women; I form kinship with nonbinary people the easiest, but I live my everyday life as a stealth (unintentionally) trans man. Before hrt I could pass as cis male, even to other transpeople (to my dissapointment), and now almost 3 yrs on testosterone I use mens bathrooms without fear, even with my more fruity fashion. Too insecure to Explain myself and nonconfrontational, I rarely come out unless necessary. Unless it is with other trans people of course. Despite my somewhat stealth life, I wouldn't want to have been born a cis man; I value my perspective as someone who is trans and was raised a girl. Sometimes I see tomnboy or goth girl characters on tv and think how i would have idolized them as a child. Even now when I imagine how I would raise a child (despite not wanting children) I picture myself as a mother rather than a father. I also feel a kinship with butches, despite not even being a lesbian or wlw. I'm not actively seeking top surgery (though i bind with athletic tape) and the complications of surgery scare me too much for bottom surgery. I'm happy with how testoster has deepened my voice and increased my body hair, and I'm self assured enough to know that I don't need top surgery to be a transmasc.
Was that complicated? Well my sexuality is about to be even more convoluted. lets start with the simplest: I'm aromantic. Ironic that the simplest is the one that needs the most explanation even to other queer people. I don't form crushes or fall in the fast kind of love with butterflies and desire to impress. I love my friends dearly and deeply, but theres never been a special person that i feel more intensly towards and desire doing activities with that I wouldnt with my other friends. Heres where things get messy. I'm grey asexual. Asexual where I dont fantasise about having sex with people and don't indend on having sex with anyone. Grey because of the fact that I do experience sexual attraction to people or kinky senarios. Autosexual in that the most intense fantasies involve only myself. I've also found myself drawn to the experiences of gay men. I find all kinds of men to be handsome/attractive, but my most beloved are gay bears. They are so handsome and hot. Women are mostly neutral everyday people to me, with the rare exception of buff women whom I find alluring. Thus I have a tint of gay/bisexuality to my attraction. Humans are driven by such complex biology and social influences, how can we expect everyone to fit neatly into three or four boxes? Language is how we find people with similar experiences, thus to limit what language we can use, is to isolate those whose experiences can't be expressed within those confines.
So what do I do to earn money? Unlike art, my "career" has never been constant. No feild has called to me. I went to college for chemistry and discovered I hated planning research, I never connected to my peers, I have signifigant memory issues, and lothed the orchastrated networking events. I still enjoy molecules though, and a little class for my degree was my first foray into mkaing a website with html. I didn't know a single thing about HTML but I copy pasted code from how to websites in order to make my title rainbow and the background a stary space. Then and now I delight in the trial and error of making a webpage. I dropped out, graduating with an associates instead of a bachlors, and never looked back to chemisrty.
I dreamed of being a janitor at the time. No emails, therapudic repeditiive tasks, and the freedom from work outside of hours. Withough janatorial experience I was limited though, and I discovered I could not work 3rd shift. On to customer service at a chain donut coffee shop. Most of the customers were normal people, the bad ones gone in ten minutes. My coworker was there 7 of my 8 hours and the source of my misery. Too sick from anxiety to eat in the morning and too filled with animosity to eat lunch at work, all I ate was dinner. My hard earned weight I won against disordered eating abandoned me to be a shell. But I have to thank her, if she was not a judgmental loud mouthed asshole who set her crosshair on me in particular, I would have not got fed up after a particularly shitty day and applied on indeed to the job I have now.
It called for no experience at 15$/hr (min wage = 7.25) the tasks seemed almost too simple to be true for a lab. I edited my resume to mimic the company description, and applied (that was the only aplication i sent). And I got interviewed. Most baffeling yet I got hired. My chemistry lab experienced hadn't been for nothing. Not that I needed it; my tasks did not require much critial thought (a blessing), as what I did (and do) is making dentures (except for setting teeth). Better yet I had one on one training with the tooth setter, almost forming a master-apprentice dynamic, which spoke to me the most. I learn by doing and being shown how to do something before I do it. Written or verbal instructions has always left to much uncertainty and confusion (I did not like chemistry labs for this reason).
It took me months to become comfortable with my coworkers and work, but I did. I've never before went out to lunch with my coworkers, said coworkers looking excited when I came late, or had them seek me out to talk to. I became work besties with a 40 year old single libertarian mother. The work was wonderful too. No emails, no meetings, and when I left work I left my work there. I finally knew what I was doing and didn't have to ask the lab tech for guidiance on standard cases.
Then I got laid off. The company fired a lab technitian or dental assistant from almost every location in order to cut costs. Everyone came to tell me they would miss me and that I was a hard worker, angry at the company. My work bestie cried. I didn't, it really hadn't sunck in yet. I was supposed to leave when my manager informed me, but I stayed the day and wrapped up my work and cleaned while my brain reluctantly absorbed the news. I loved the place.
So I went on elsewhere. finally discovering a feild I could see a career in I looked for similar positions, but found none. I resigned to applying to a chain pharmacy. I consolidated what little charisma and people skills I had at the interviews and got hired. As socially anxious and awkward as I am, customer service is second nature to me. I am polite and geared towards sympathy and deescilation. However people are incredibly impatient (old enough they are that I cant imagine they never waited in a walmart line before self checkout was a thing) and I am slow. Worse yet were the phone calls with myself unable to anticipate who may be calling and what for, myself cursed with auditory processing disorder, and people who get inordinately upset when you ask them to repeat themselves. Overall highpaced, long days, people oriented, and full of the potential for misunderstandings and mix ups, it was mentally draining.
Over the years I had grown a sense of inadequecy and chronic inexperience nutured by my anxiety; a far cry from the self assurednss I had as a know-it-all child. Although not demolished, this impostor syndrom was fractured when the recruter for the denture lab asked me when I could come back. this was not born out of the companies kindesse or regret, but months long campaining from my manager, determine to get me back. Begining with no experience at all, slow, awkward and shy, I was worth fighting for. I was valued for my hard work and new skills, not replacable. It was me my coworkers wanted, blank silence and all. My first day back one of the dental assistants hugged me. Not my work bestie, but one of the most transparent people I know. Her thoughts and feelings are always honest, quick to anger, her kindess the most genuine. I am there now, enjoying my work and coworkers.
One constant in my life has always been art. Almost every artist will tell you they ahve been making art since they could hold a crayon, and I am no exception. Art, I beleive, like singing, dancing, and cooking, is fundamental to human nature. We have sung, danced, and cooked since we painted on the walls of caves, and as children we are naturaly inclined to do these things. Unfortunately our culture has declared that to be an artist, singer, dancer, or cook, that you must be good, that you must make a career out of it . That it is not worth doing unless you are good enough to make money from it. Cavemen and children didnt/dont do these things to be the best or to make moeny; theres just something in our DNA that derives joy from these actiivities.
I sing, dance, and cook much in the same way a young human does. No rules, doing what feels right and having fun. I have strayed from the path with my art, subjected myself to Guidelines and worked to get better, after all humans can't help but absorb. I have been told that I am talented, that I could paint portraits as commissions. No shade towards anyone who does comissions, but I Can't.
Ever since I learned magenta, cyan, and yellow can act as primary colors I have been obsesed with the idea of primary colors. At first I mistakenly beleived CMY were the "true" primary colors instead of RYB (red, yellow, blue), but I learn both are accepted primary sets with their own advantages and limitations. No set of three colors can make every color, but they can make a wide range if thoughfully picked. If rainbows, primary colors, and diagrams enchant you as well check out my rainbow pages.